Join me for coffee and messy chatter about not having it all together…but the process of trying to get there.
There is no balance.
#Life.
Guilt. Anxiety. The jux-position of trying to create some semblance of order in the chaos of life is forever a battle of achieving balance. Join me as I try to articulate wins and losses. This is for the hot mess moms trying to find their niche, and a little voice to show that you are not alone.
My Story
From Vet to Mom: The Reality of Finding My Purpose
I served 20 years in the world of Logistics in the Unites States Air Force. The last 7 of them I was a full-time worker, wife, mother, and lost myself as a person. I was running myself ragged and felt I couldn’t win at all the hats I was wearing. I felt guilt at work that I wasn’t doing enough as a mother; at home I felt guilt about not doing enough at work. I was drinking too much coffee (still am), staying up late for the minimal time I could get to myself. I was touched out… and I felt like I was just flailing.
I felt like I was not the leader I should be at my rank. I was trying to make waves in my career field in working with a Stanford Hacking for Defense team in generation of a better workflow program. I was trying to call attention to post-partum care for women serving and supporting those who serve. I made E8, Senior Master Sergeant (rank goes up to E9) … but I didn’t want it anymore.
I had three children under 7, born two years apart. We were navigating behavioral issues with neurodivergence that called me away from work and I felt like I needed a desk planted at the school for me. I knew there would never be any semblance of balance and weighed the importance of what I was willing to sacrifice.
I chose my kids. I will always choose my kids.
So, I retired. The same day I retired, my husband deployed for 6 that turned into 9 months, and I got a crash course in the Stay-at-HomeMom adventure.
The plan, that life laughed at, was to retire and take a year to myself. To figure out what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had a psychology degree, but it wasn’t really a passion anymore. Instead I worked a job that was harder than the one I retired from. SAHM is not for the weak I learned rather quickly. There is no morning reprieve. There is generally lukewarm coffee. But the win: my kids are secure. I was stationary. The load was partly lifted.
This lasted a year. Then I realized I was frustrated and needed an outlet. I was escaping into books. I read over 200 books my first year retired. I really got into Macrame, Crochet Amigurumi, and just dabbling back in the arts. I would call myself a peddler of crafts. Seeing the joy my kids had for the little stuffies I was making, became my joy. So, I decided to head back to school so I can work on the digital side of art. My ultimate goal is to make little people happy through toys and drawings. I want to illustrate kids books and make amazing things for people.
Trying to do this with an 8, 6-, and 4-year-old at home is a venture in and of itself. This, coupled with a still Active Duty husband and not settled into a ‘forever home’ or ‘place’ makes for a messy but awesome life.
So here we are. Welcome to my life! Chasing kids and dreams.
One day at a time.
